Note-I

I know, you hate me.

I detested what you did.

But I never hated you.
--
     I have never thought of the possibility of losing a best friend, and somehow you were the first. Moreover, it is saddening that it was our friendship that began to part before the year we'd have to separate ways.

     Kahit na ibalak kong magsama ng mga kasapi at i-raid ang mga tv station na palitan lahat ng mga telenovela ng mga tagalog-dubbed anime kasi feeling ng mga kabataan ngayon na sila'y si Popoy at si Basha, o gumawa ng proposal sa DepEd na magkaroon ng Psychology class ang mataas na paaralan baka sakaling masagip sa katinuan ang pagiisip nilang natanga sa inakalang pag-ibig, sige na, aamin na ako. Naging problema ko rin yan. Dahil nawalan ako ng best friend na minahal ako.

      (Nag gymnastics mata ko. Nag mala-180)

      Hell, was it uneasy to say this at this age. It was reality. But in retrospection, there was something more to it.

     *You see, there will always be indefinite words that I will never be able to say, nor will I ever get the chance to say it to someone; remnants of emotions that can encage you, and moments that we wish did not happen, should have happened, hope that someday will happen, and know that someday, things may happen. Hence, I write a note.
--
"Do you know what happens when you hurt people? They may begin to love you less and begin to forget that they loved you once."

     Let's just say this outlines your viewpoint, since you've said that I've changed.

     Naging close tayo dahil sa goal at ideas natin na gusto talaga nating ma-achieve sa isang organization sa ating school. Ikaw yung nag guide sa akin kasi baguhan lang ako at alam mo na yung gagawin mo. We vowed to help each other, but when we were finally given the authority and the opportunity to fulfill our goals that were the origin of our friendship, we were not able to do it together.

     I had attained a high ranking I was determined to achieve. I never desired the highest, but as months passed by, I was handed the imperative responsibility. Gusto ko rin matupad yung pangarap mong ranking dahil alam kong deserve mo yun. Thus, I granted you that. With our differences in rankings, I have no intention of mistreating you. Inside and outside the school campus, I still regarded you as my best friend.

     Pero paano yung oras na ng mga responsibilities? You know the rules. If you cannot follow instructions, there is a consequence. In authority's perspective, it is all part of a discipline. Lalo na't dahil napaka-importante ang responsibility ng ranking na gusto mo na naka-assign na sa'yo. Pero sa point of view bilang best friend, dumarating na rin kasi sa punto na nahihirapan din ako dahil hindi mo na ako natutulungan. Pinipilit kong intindihin ka kahit may mga times na naiinis ako, pero hindi ko dinadamdam at pinepersonal yung mga hindi mo nagagawa. Pero sa totoo lang, kinailangan kita.

     Bilang best friend mo, kilala mo ako, ayaw ko maging pabaya. I did my part and assumed full conduct of how the highest rank should perform. You detested me for being solemn and implementing exercise and discipline, when most of the students from other schools are like that, and that is how it should actually be if you don't carry out the said rules and work. You should not jest around if there are many unaccomplished ones; it makes it insignificant. And yet, I set my conduct here aside from academics and outside the campus. I thought you knew better. I thought you knew me.

     Pero minasama mo. Tingin mo kasi sa akin, masyado malaki yung expectation ko sa'yo at masyado kitang pinupush.

"Don't try to hurt someone on purpose just because they hurt you by accident."

     Afterwards, you disobey in purpose, kasi nasasaktan ka dahil hindi ako tulad nung dati. Nangt-trip ka na. Since it was an act of disrespect, discipline was acted upon you. Tapos sasabihin mo napaka-seryoso ko, na ginawa mo lang naman yun para hindi ako seryoso masyado.

     Tinanong ko lahat ng best friends ko, pati narin yung mga ka-close ko lang kung ano tingin nila sa'kin sa pagiging seryoso ko. Lahat sila sinabi na alam nilang ginagawa ko lang yun kasi kailangan. Pero bakit ikaw? Best friend din kita, pero katulad ka lang ng iba sa sinasabi nila.

"Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the single person you thought would never hurt you."

     Misunderstandings will always be a friendship's down side—those are inevitable. Kaya ko i-tolerate lahat ng panghuhusga mo at kung paano ang naging pakikisama mo sa akin. Nung wala namang importanteng gagawin, kagaya parin ako ng dati na makisama sayo. Tapos bigla mong sinabi na, "Yehey, bumalik na yung dati kong best friend". Nakakalungkot at nakakadismaya. It's true, you're just like them.

     Pero bakit ikaw? Bago pa yan nangyari, last year, may panahon na naging "leader" ka sa isang group work. Pinakita mo rin yung side mo na katulad din ng ginagawa ko. Nag sungit ka. Meron ka pang binabara kapag may hindi sumusunod sa sobrang pasaway na. Dumating yung araw na sinigawan mo na sila dahil sumusobra na talaga yung pagiging pasaway nila. Pero kailan kita hinusgahan? Inintindi kita. Inintindi ko na wala mangyayari kapag hindi ka nagsaway at kapag ginagawa mo lang yan maging biro. I knew that was your responsibility as a 'leader'.

     Inisip mo na lagi kitang sinasaktan. Pero nung ako yung nag biro nung group work, sinigawan mo ako sa harapan nila. Tapos yun pala, biro lang yun, panakot. Nag dalawang isip ako kung magagalit ba ako, dahil ni kailan, hindi kita tinakot kahit ikaw yung nagbibiro kapag may gawain. Pero inisip ko na kapag sinabayan ko ung "galit" mo, baka magkaroon ng away at makapinsala lang. Kaya hinabaan ko yung pasensya ko. Pinagbigyan kita. Pero dahil doon, may hinanakit na ako sa'yo. Hindi kita pinapansin. Nawalan ako ng gana.

     Napansin mo yun at kinausap ako dahil sa ng yari. Pinansin kita, at sinabi ko yung totoo. You apologized, and I forgave you even if that action was too offensive to even forgive.

"I can tolerate numerous misunderstandings, but not betrayal. Betrayal is a decision"

     Pero sa lahat ng misunderstanding na naramdaman mo against sa'kin, hinayaan ko nalang yun. Pero ano ginawa mo? Imbis na kausapin mo ako, mas pinili mo yan sabihin lahat sa kanya. Kung ano-ano pinagusapan niyo tungkol sa'kin.

     Kaya nilayuan na kita. Ni kailan hindi ko yan ginawa sa'yo. I can endure being misunderstood, but not being backstabbed and betrayed by my best friend. Kaya hindi na kita pinapansin. Pero kahit sinusubukan mo mag-reach out, tulad ng pag h-hi, pinapansin parin kita for respect, pero hindi na tulad nung dati. Hangga't sa hindi mo na rin ako pinapansin kasi nahihiya ka na. Until you left the organization.

     Ramdam ko na nasasaktan ka at nalulungkot. Dumating yung araw na tinanong mo na ako kung pwede ako makausap. Pumayag parin ako. I knew you wanted to fix our friendship, and I would always be willing.

     Tinanong mo kung bakit hindi na kita pinapansin. Sinabi ko na lahat sa'yo, pero habang sinasabi ko yun, may poot yung pananalita ko dahil sa pag-alala ng mga nangyari. Dinidiin ko yung punto na sinasabi mong "mahal" mo ako pero sinadya mong gawin lahat ng yun. At habang sinasabi ko lahat yun, ramdam ko na nasasaktan ka rin at naiiyak ka. I'm sorry for what I did. I wanted you to know, so our friendship will be fixed, yet the pain was excruciating that reminiscing and describing it made me thoughtless. I'm sorry for being feeble, that I was not able to refrain from sounding so spiteful and speak with no discretion.

     Tinanong ko na yung saloobin mo. May mga sinabi ka. Pero nung may gusto akong alamin para mas maintindihan ko yung punto mo, ayaw mong sagutin. Sinabi mo na matagal na yun. Sabi ko na kaya nga tayo naguusap para mag open-up. Hangga't sa nakulitan ka at harsh ang pagkasabi mo na nakalimutan mo na. Doon, nararamdaman kong nagsisimula na tayo magtalo. And it was unfair of you to reject without consideration if you're hurt.

     Sabi mo na ikaw kasi yung tipo na hindi namamansin at ayaw mag patawad agad kung alam mo may hinanakit ka pa kasi ayaw mo maging plastik. Pero, napapahiya at napagtatabuyan narin kasi yung taong gusto kang kausapin kapag hindi mo papansinin. Paano kapag ikaw yung nagkamali sa ibang tao at gusto mo makipag-ayos, pagtabuyan ka? Nakakasakit karin ng iba. At sa lahat ng ginawa mong mali sa'kin, kahit sobrang nakaka-offend o nakakasakit yung ginawa mo, kapag gusto mo makipagusap, I assent. That's because I value our friendship more than our discordance.

Paano kapag ako naman yung may nagawang kasalanan sa paningin mo?

Sa huli, ito ang sinabi mo:

I: Itutuloy ko pa ba?

A: Ang ano?

I: Alam mo na yun.

A: Yung panliligaw? Kung yun, diba sinabi ko sayo na ayaw ko muna isipin mga ganung bagay at ayaw ko muna mag bigay ng sagot?

Hangga't doon umikot yung usapan natin at nagtatalo na tayo. At ito na yung sinabi ng kasama mo:

S: Sige, wag nalang. Alam naman rin namin yung sagot mo. Salamat.

At hinakbayan ka na palayo.

     Honestly, it felt like you deemed girls as a reservation; there is no respect given to the person's decision to answer. Even if you point out that it was just for you to finally know where you stand, it does not give away this fact: Kapag sinabi kong "oo", ibig sabihin pumapayag ako, and it would imply that when the right time comes, with all certainty, it would be you. Sigurado na ikaw yung dapat kong piliin.

     If I said no, it means I am already concluding what I think of you. Hindi kita binigyan ng pagkakataon. In other term, "hinusgahan" agad kita.

     At sinabi ko, "You're welcome." bago kayo makalayo, at yun na talaga ang huli nating usapan. Hanggang ngayon, wala akong hinanakit sa'yo, pero malaki parin ang galit mo tulad sa mga naging posts mo, mga sinasabi mo sa ibang tao, at sa pag-unfriend mo. Hanggang sa nakahanap ka narin ng iba.

     I'm grateful for both of you, that you're happy with each other. I'm truly glad it is her.

     At ito nalang masasabi ko. If you were a different person, mag r-reach out ako (and even apologize). Pero hindi ko yun ginawa.

     Because you're the type of person who ignores or humiliates a person who asks for forgiveness. I'd apologize, but I figured you would not even let me. Ikaw narin nagsabi na hindi ka agad namamansin at tumatanggap ng sorry kapag alam mong may hinanakit ka pa. But that would already lessen or take away the opportunity of bringing back the friendship. Kailangan mo pa bang ipahiya yung taong gustong makipag-ayos?

     I'm not saying that you should forget what they have done and talk to them like nothing happened. But simply that it is best to acknowledge the people who reach out to you for respect and open the opportunity that the time may come for both of you to be exactly how you were.

     Lahat ng tao nakakasakit ng iba at nakakagawa ng mali. Kahit ikaw, nagagawa mo rin yun. Sana naiisip mo rin na nakakasakit ka rin ng ibang tao at gusto mo rin makipag-ayos sa kanila. Sana dumating din yung oras na kaya mo tumanggap ng mga taong nag r-reach out sayo at magpatawad ng mga taong nakagawa ng pagkakamali sa paningin mo, gaano pa yan kalala. Kung sa lahat ng pagtatanong mo sa'kin kung pwede mo ako makausap, kung sa lahat ng sorry mo itinanggi ko, kung gawin ko rin yung mga ginawa mo, mapapahiya at masasaktan ka rin.

     I know I also have done wrongful acts. You could've had told me instead. Because whatever it is and whenever you do, I'd always be ready to listen and settle things right with you. If only you would do the same.

     If there is anything I would like you to change, it is not about who you are, what you had done, and most importantly, it is not about how you think of me.

     It is your will to forgive. //